Out of Focus

I just crossed out one item from my very long wish list.
This “list” contains things that I need… but not right away.
Meaning, I can still go on without them because I have worn out or alternative versions of them.

Sample items in this list are…

  • good training or running shoes – I need them because they keep me from doing physical exercises (e.g. running, joining dance classes, etc.). They are always my number one excuse for skipping on doing workouts.
  • sturdy black flats for the office – I need a pair of black office shoes that could go well with any business outfit. I have black pumps with small heels in my bottom desk drawer at work… but the keyword is “heels”. I’m not that very comfortable with elevated heels. So the ones I always end up wearing are my very sturdy (…and slightly expensive. Well, expensive than my usual buys)  bright red topsiders. And, yes. I wear them with everything. Pants, skirt, dresses. Even if the colors clash. I am so comfortable wearing them that I really don’t care if it totally ruins the rules of fashion or style or whatever. Anyway… my love for these red shoes might be tamed with the presence of new ones. This time, I’m going to buy black ones, so it won’t be awkward pairing it with whatever. Haha.

And the item I finally get to cross out is a new and updated pair of eyeglasses!

I have been wearing glasses everyday since I was eight years old up until I was twenty-one.
And every year, my glasses were upgraded (more like replaced) with new ones. New frames and new lenses… because having congenital myopia means that every time I grow, my eyes grow more blurred, too.

My parents never got me contact lenses during this time because they knew how careless I was with my things. And hearing horror stories of how people lost their contacts made them scared for me. I am practically blind without my glasses. So they could only imagine me losing my contacts in a public place and misplacing my glasses at the same time. I would be helplessly making my way through that.

When I started working, I finally bought myself contact lenses.
They were hell at first but they became my heaven. I realized that I missed out on a lot of things by wearing eye glasses (or hiding behind them) everyday for twelve years… like sports and waking up to a literally clear morning. For the first time, I have enjoyed going to the beach because I can finally see my swimming buddies! And I also got to see underwater stuff now. I realized that my pre-contact lens self was so pathetic.

Anyway, I got so hooked with contact lenses that I neglected my eyeglasses.
Plus, contact lenses are way cheaper than eyeglasses (the ones I need are not the typical over-the-counter ones. So they can be pretty expensive). And since I’m the one already buying (parent’s support cut off already…), I leaned towards the cheaper option.

Now, I’ve had enough.
I have had my share of fun and comfort with contact lenses.
But I also have had my share of red and itchy infected eyes because of them.
And since my eyeglasses do not have my latest grade prescribed on them, I get really dizzy and my head hurts every time I switch from contacts to glasses.

I don’t plan to go back to wearing eye glasses all the time.
But now that I have ordered new ones, its prescription will now be the same with my contact lenses.
So I can opt to wear whatever I feel like wearing.

It’s such a hassle… but it’s already a part of me.
I cannot even imagine getting laser surgery for my eyes.
For one, I still don’t have the budget. But the other thing is… it will be so surreal for me.

All my life, the world is this literally big blur.
All my life, I have just been looking through the world using different life-saving mediums.
And then one day, after just a fifteen-minute surgery, I will be free from the things that I have been forever dependent to?
Everything will be clear from then?
That would really make me break down and cry.





So, this is me.
I think this was taken during my first birthday.

I’m lucky to have had so many pictures (even videos) taken as a child because my father was a professional photographer and videographer prior to the ubiquity of digital photography. Plus, I’m the eldest child… so my father may have been carried away with aiming the lenses and clicking the shutter. (Some of my old photos are like mug shots. They’re taken in the same location at different angles. I’m like: “Pa, come on!”)

Seeing this picture (my mom scanned a lot of our baby pics… And yes, posted them on facebook. Ugh.), made me think. Maybe the reason why I dislike having my picture taken now as an adult, is because I have had my fair share of smiling for the camera.

Another way of looking at it, though, is that I should have been so used to getting my picture taken that I should have now grown to be a selfie addict… which I’m not.

Hmm. Weird.

Aaaaaanyway… Just a random thought.

A Third Grader Believed

When I was starting school, I believed that people perceived me to be a very smart kid. And I think this was all because I finished the kindergarten entrance exam (yes, there were exams and interviews for pre-school) the earliest and was actually awarded the first honors in our class. I consistently got this honor together with spelling bee and speed math championships until first grade.

Then came second grade… Suddenly, I was no longer first but second. However, it was not a big deal for me. I remembered my parents were also nonchalant about it. I say this because they never asked anything or talked to me about it. Yes. That’s how I remembered it. Just nothing new. So when Recognition day (the day when they award the Top 7 students of the class for each level) came, I was surprised to know that this was a huge heartbreak for some.

During Recognition Day in our school, they usually have the awardees seated according to grade level (Grade 1 students occupy the first row, Grade 2 students in the second, and so on) and rank (1st-honor students occupy the first column, 2nd-honor students in the second, and so on). So obviously, I sat where the Grade 2, 2nd-honor student should be. And as the program was starting, I felt someone tapped me in the back. It turned out to be the popular 1st-honor student, which I actually looked up to,  of the third graders. I haven’t met her before so I was shocked that she even talked to me. I was even more surprised when she asked me, “Anong nangyari? Bakit second ka na lang? Balik kang first ulit next year. Kaya mo yan! (What happened? Why are you only in second? Get back to first again next year. You can do it!)”.

I just smiled shyly and did not answer. Then it hit me. Aside from this being actually a big thing for others, this third grader believes in me.  Okay. Hearing it now, it sounds like a very shallow sentiment. However, the memory that remained by hearing those words still stands out. Actually, when I read today’s topic for The Daily Post (which was: Who was the first person who believed in you?), it was the first thing that came to my mind.

I don’t know. Just imagine someone that everyone looks up to, then you find out unexpectedly that he/she actually knows you, follows your accomplishments, and cared enough for you to talk to you just so they can say that you can be a better version of yourself. That for me is heartfelt and just pure belief.

Just thoughts:
1. I wonder where she is right now? I hope she's doing well for herself. I believe she does.
2. So why did I became second? My second grade teacher told my parents I was not copying down notes
and was not actively participating in class. It turned out, I had congenital myopia.
3. I never got first honors again.